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Commentary: In new year, Browns will tie, tie again

According to my phases-of-the-moon analytics grid, here’s how it should go in 2017.

You read it here first.

January

  • Stung by criticism for not playing LeBron James in selected games, the Cavs instead give James a “day off” by sending him to Canton to play in a D-League game, where he scores 101 points in leading Canton to a 102-41 victory over the Fort Wayne Mad Ants.
  • The Browns announce they will send no scouts to the Senior Bowl because they intend to concentrate on the Junior Bowl.
  • The Indians test market “Party at Guyer’s,” “Party at Colabello’s” and “Party at Almonte’s” T-shirts.

February

  • In the highest-scoring Super Bowl ever, the Patriots win Super Bowl LI, beating Dallas XLVIII-XXVIII.
  • Trevor Bauer’s drone is photographed leaving a Hollywood club with one of the Kardashians.
  • In another day off from the Cavs, LeBron records a quadruple-triple to lead Canton to a 115-50 win over the Greensboro Swarm.

March

  • In his latest mock draft, Mel Kiper predicts the Browns, with the first overall pick, will pass.
  • After dunking over DeAndre Jordan, the Cavs’ Richard Jefferson is given a technical foul for breathing.
  • Indians manager Terry Francona opens a nationwide chain of bubble gum chewing schools.

April

  • In a history-making series of furious and complicated NFL Draft-day moves, the Browns trade all their picks in the first six rounds in exchange for the entire seventh round, all 32 picks. They use all 32 picks on quarterbacks, hoping to finally find their franchise quarterback. “He should be in there somewhere,” says one club official.
  • While J.R. Smith visits the Milwaukee bench to show the Bucks players the scar from his thumb surgery, his man dunks to give Milwaukee a one-point lead. But Smith returns to the floor just in time to hit a game-winning half-court shot as the Cavs complete a four-game sweep of the Bucks in the first round of the playoffs.
  • The Indians and Cubs both start the season with 25-game winning streaks.

May

  • Browns coach Hue Jackson announces that Cam Erving will now be tried at linebacker.
  • In the Eastern Conference semifinals and finals, Tyronn Lue decides to rest Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love for all eight games, but the Cavs still sweep Boston and Toronto to reach the NBA Finals for the third consecutive year.
  • LeBron wins his fifth NBA MVP Award, by a wide margin over runner-up Russell Westbrook, but finishes a distant second in the D-League MVP voting, behind Sioux Falls Skyforce guard Bubu Palo.

June

  • Completing a 16-0 run through the playoffs, the Cavs, with J.R. Smith playing the series shirtless, sweep the Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals. Kevin Durant immediately asks the Warriors to trade him to Oklahoma City.
  • Led by Edwin Encarnacion’s 30 home runs, the Indians extend their lead in the Central Division to 20 games.
  • At the end of OTAs, Browns coach Hue Jackson says Cam Erving has been moved to safety.

July

  • American League manager Terry Francona leads a contingent of seven Indians to the All-Star game. All four Indians infielders are voted into the game as starters, and the Indians lead the AL in attendance.
  • The Browns announce the signing of all 32 quarterbacks selected in the seventh round of the draft.
  • Workmen are nearing completion of the hastily built Browns locker room annex to accommodate the waves of quarterbacks pouring into Berea.

August

  • Francisco Lindor goes 5-for-5 in a win over the Yankees, raising his league-leading batting average to .392.
  • J.R. Smith puts his shirt back on.
  • Andrew Miller gives up his first hit of the year.
  • Browns officials predict that barring any setbacks the team won’t have any setbacks in 2017.
  • Cam Erving says he has been taking some reps at wide receiver.

September

  • The Browns release all 32 drafted quarterbacks and open the season with Josh McCown, who leads them to ties in each of their first three games.
  • Corey Kluber pitches his second no-hitter of the year as the Indians win their 100th game, clinching the division on Sept. 4.
  • The Cubs win their 100th game on Sept. 5.

October

  • The Browns extend their record to 0-0-8 with five more ties in October. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” says coach Hue Jackson, referring to the Browns’ record and Cam Erving’s 10 touchdown receptions.
  • For the second year in a row it’s the Indians vs. the Cubs in the World Series. The teams split the first six games, with Cubs fans complaining about the high number of Indians fans who bought up all the tickets for Games 3, 4 and 5 at Wrigley Field.

November

  • Tyler Naquin’s walk-off inside-the-park home run in the bottom of the 15th inning of Game 7 gives the Indians a 1-0 victory for their first World Series championship in 59 years. Naquin is mobbed at home plate by all of his teammates, all of the Cavaliers and Cam Erving.
  • Suitably inspired, the Browns play four more ties and exit the month with a record of 0-0-12.

December

  • With all four quarterbacks in concussion protocol, wide receiver Cam Erving is pressed into service and quarterbacks the Browns to four more ties. They finish the year 0-0-16, the first undefeated team in NFL history to not make the playoffs. “I’ve never been more proud of a team in my life,” says a sobbing Hue Jackson.

Contact Jim Ingraham at 329-7135 or jingraham4@gmail.com. Follow him @Jim_Ingraham on Twitter.



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