Mail call, with answers by Dr. Demento …
Seeing as Kobe Bryant wants out of L.A., what are the chances he’ll be traded to the Cavaliers? — Steve D., Vermilion.
A — Oh, yeah … That’s just what the Cavaliers need — a lab experiment. Would be like adding fulminated mercury to, er … whatever combusts with fulminated mercury.
How come Victor Martinez is so far down in the voting for All-Star catcher? — Marie W., North Olmsted.
A — You know how it takes a million years, give or take a day, for a star’s light to reach Earth? Well, it takes a year, sometimes two, for yesterday’s box scores to reach Des Moines, Iowa.
If you needed a nap, what sporting event would you have on in the background to help put you under? — Ray C., Elyria.
A — A number of them work for me: NASCAR, golf, a regular-season NBA game, beach volleyball. Also poker, except poker is not a sport.
Where do you stand on Barry Bonds’ breaking the home run record? — J.W., Lorain.
A — I would say on the sidelines seriously rooting for a severe groin pull, except that would mean Barry Bobblehead would return for another season and we’d have to go through this interminable countdown again.
What do you think about this business of the National Hockey League talking about expansion again? — Donald L., Oberlin.
A — They’re headed in the wrong direction. Instead of going from 48 teams (or thereabouts) to 60, they should think in terms of, oh … say … 12 teams.
If memory serves, you hit the nail by saying the Indians’ trade of Kevin Kouzmanoff for Josh Barfield would be a steal. What’s a trade the Indians would like back? — Regina, LaGrange.
A — The one in which they sent pitcher Jeremy Guthrie to Baltimore for two wooden nickels and a player to be named later.
If you had to go to a rock concert, and wild horses were dragging you, which one would it be? — Sue M., Elyria.
A — Green Day, and I just might be whipping the team to get me there faster.
If baseball and football players take steroids, couldn’t also a golfer? — Ben, Henrietta Township.
A — Let me guess. You caught sight of Tiger Woods striding up the fairway looking all buff in his size 9 T-shirt and his arms looking like slim tree trunks. To answer your question, I don’t see why not.
You sound like you may have read a book or two somewhere along the line. Any books or authors you’d recommend? —Kimberly, Avon.
A — I’d say Jose Saramago’s “Blindness,” except you’d hate me for giving you nightmares. So I’ll go with Pete Hamill, Elmore Leonard and Margaret Atwood. But whatever you do, stay far away from anything by Mitch Albom. All that syrupy “Seventh Heaven” stuff makes me want to projectile vomit. Mondays with Mitch. Gimme a break.
Do you think Brady Quinn will be …? – Jeff, Olmsted Falls.
A: Enough. It’s not even late June yet. It’s baseball season. I don’t want to hear any football-related stuff between now and late August – unless it has to do with Pacman Jones going up the river.
With Wimbledon coming up, I suppose you’ll be one of those Maria Sharapova groupies like every other guy I know that watches women’s tennis. — Amy F., North Ridgeville.
A: Well, she does have nice shoulders. No, I’m still a Venus fan, except I can’t watch her any more. Too agonizing. Evonne Goolagong interrupted long streaks of brilliance with her famous short “walkabouts.” Venus interrupts her long walkabouts with short streaks of brilliance followed by the unforced error.
Does anyone else in sports do Q and A’s besides you? — Bryan D., Lorain.
A – Yes. Norman Chad, whose laptop I can’t carry. He did, however, steal Shirley – the one who pays the questioners — from me. I had Shirley first, but then she reached her free-agent year and Norman signed her as his Girl Friday. Happened a long time ago. I don’t like talking about it.
Of all the NFL teams, whose uniforms are the most fitting? – Colin, Elyria.
A – I thought I said … OK, I’ll answer this one. But only because I know the answer. It’s the Bengals. All those stripes, you know. Also, the Browns unis are a bit too snug.
If you could have given perfect health to any ballplayer of any era, to whom would you bestow that gift? —H. LaFond, Sheffield Lake.
A – Juan Gonzalez, Nomar Garciaparra, Dizzy Dean, Sandy Koufax, Herb Score, Pistol Pete Reiser, Chipper Jones.
You’re alone on an island with Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. What happens? — Jim R., Oberlin.
A – You wanna know what happens? I’ll tell you what happens. What happens is that Dr. Demento walks out into the water until it’s over his head and he keeps on going until he drowns. And he doesn’t look back even once. That’s what happens, smart guy.
Two things drive me up the wall about the NBA: teams calling a timeout after the other team scores and then getting the ball at half-court, and the 42 minutes it takes to play the last three minutes of the game. What gives with that? — Thomas M., Elyria.
A – These are the exact two things which drove Dr. Demento to the asylum from which he recently escaped. There is no earthly reason why the former should happen. The good doctor would also forbid those infuriating timeouts during the last three minutes of the game. He’s a fan of hustle and flow.
I could watch Greg Maddux pitch all day long. – Bill G., Manhattan.
A – As opposed to what ... watching a brilliant C.P.A. toil over a ledger and an adding machine for eight hours? Or a Hall of Fame painter brush paint onto siding?
I go past a gas station in the morning and the price is $2.93 a gallon. I go home for lunch and the price is $2.79. Then, coming home from work at 5 p.m., it’s up to $2.99. Why is that? — Name withheld by request, Elyria.
A – Because a guy in the desert phones the station after the morning rush hour and tells the owner, “Drop it 14 cents. Talk to you later.” Then he hangs up. Around 3 p.m. or so, he calls again and whispers into the phone, “I’m in a bad mood. Hike it 20 cents for rush hour.” Then the phone goes dead. Trust me. This is how it goes.
I bought a college football magazine the other day and I see where Ohio State opens with Youngstown State and then Akron. How come? — Darrell, Lorain.
A – Because Antioch College is closing its doors and Walsh College of Canton doesn’t have a football team. College of Wooster does (after a fashion), but its dance card (honest, they dance in kilts, the Scotsmen do) was already filled. Go Buckeyes!
I got so sick and tired of hearing that Tim Duncan is the best power forward ever. Is he really? — Meaghan D., Elyria.
A – Take two aspirin and call Bob Pettit and Karl Malone in the morning and see what they say. (This is what’s meant by the phrase, “How quickly they forget …”)
Are the Indians for real? — Many people, different burgs.
A – Yes. But don’t take Dr. Demento’s word for it. Go to the ballpark and see for yourselves – just like you used to do in the good ol’ days of ’94 to ’99. They’re worth the trip. Dr. Demento would not lie about a thing like this.
Leaving the O.R. and headed for the links ...
… Dr. Demento
Contact Doug Clarke at 329-7135 or firstname.lastname@example.org.